The Things I Wish I Did

THE BREAKDOWN

     I am having an emotional breakdown today. Woke up at 3:30am because of my stupid dry cough that still lingers since last month (I should go and have a check-up soon)... anyway, like I said, I am having a breakdown. I know there is pain but I'm not sure where the wound is. My heart feels like it's being pounded by a sledge hammer. Every video I watch in my social media accounts makes me cry whether it is a funny video or something dreadful.
     You might think I'm getting crazy --- hell no! There are just so many thoughts running in my head right now that I feel I should have done before. Too many regrets in life that I wish I could go back and straighten out. Too many apologies that I shouldn't have apologized for because it never was my fault. Too many mistakes of others that I shouldn't have blamed myself for.
     I suddenly feel like a loser. I suddenly feel like I have lost too many opportunities because I was not thinking of myself. And because I was always thinking of others, all those opportunities are now gone to waste (or because "the other" didn't acknowledge it as well).

     As this pain makes me truly miserable, it made me realized a few things. Reasons why I did what I did. Reasons why I had to make a decision that had me crawling down like this. Excuses that I tried to defend. Conclusions that has never really materialized at all.
   
     Bakit nga ba inuna ko ang iba kaisa sa sarili ko? Probably because of love. Tanga eh. Oo, isa akong malaking TANGA. Kulang na lang lagyan ko yung sarili ko ng nameplate. Or the word tanga is already written all over my body --- ako na lang ang di nakakaalam.

   I am so lost today. I don't know what else to write here. Excuse me as I blow my nose and say goodbye for now. I'm really on the verge of smashing everything I see because I can't understand my feelings.

K. Thanks. Bye.

Jin Mi • Dyeysi | 29Nov2015
   

Blogging Unclogging

BLOGGING

I can't remember how many blogs I've written already. Or should I honestly say, I've created too many blog sites that I can't remember the passwords so I decided not to open them anymore...

If I remember it right, my first ever blog is a collection of the poems I wrote. A collection of broken heart poems. Sometimes about abused children, too.I even entered some in an international contest. A selection of my poems were actually chosen to part of a book. Unfortunately, I have to pay to have a copy of it so I never saw the published book.

I continue to write on a daily basis until my life changed. Then I started writing textbooks instead of blogs... but I continued to write in my dairy (take note... I have 13 diaries and I write in it every single day).

It never occurred to me that writing could be one of my passions. I do it just because. Simply for no reason at all. I don't even have anybody to proofread what I write. Whether my sentences were written correctly or someone has already cursed me for composing wrong grammar and sentences.

UNCLOGGING

Oh well, the hell I care. As long as I am able to express what I want to say and I am not making a major mistake, then let it be. Besides, I have no intention of publicly exposing all my feeling. I write when I feel and when I want only.

Moving on, I will share in this blog the book that I have started writing since 2005 but does not have the courage to have it published because I do not know if it will sell or if people would continue to read it. And so, now, I am going to express it through this blog space. No matter how long it takes me to finish this book, I will try my very best (and to the best of my ability) to be able to complete what I have started. Come to think of it, it has been 10 years since I started writing it...

I will also include poems and other whatever I can think of in this blog site. So starting now, apologies if I will be a little crazy. That's who I am, anyways.

JinMi • Dyeysi | 27Nov2015

Poem Entry 1 | Kawalan

KAWALAN

Isang gabi ng pagluksa sa putikan

Inalod ng basang buhangin ang kalayaan

Tila wala na itong katapusan

Mamamatay na walang kalaban-laban

ang mga nasugatang kamay.

Binibilang ang mga bituing ‘di na muling makikita

Hahanguin ng isang malagim at tahimik na puso

ang umagang dati’y dumarating

Sa isang sulok mananahimik na tila patay na kaluluwa.

Isang basang diyaryo ang tatabon sa pagluluksa

Tanging huni ng mga ibon ang maririnig

sa gitna ng katahimikan

Magdurugo muli ang mga kamay

Na ngayon’y isa-isang nagiging alikabok.

Asan ang pag-asang pangako ng pag-ibig?

Lilimutin ng isang maruming basahan ang tadhana
Tulad ng mga dasal na 'di na natupad

Mananatiling marumi ang kalsada

para sa mga walang kaluluwa

Magdadala ng luha at pighati.

Bubuhos ng malakas ang ulang puno ng asin

Kukulog ang kalangitan sa gitna ng bawat sigaw

Magkakagulo ang mga anghel sa bawat halakhak

ng mga pusong nagmistulang panakip

sa mga alaala ng kahapon.

Asan ang pag-ibig? Nawalan na ba ng pag-asa?

Jin Mi • Dyeysi | 27Nov2015