THE BREAKDOWN
I am having an emotional breakdown today. Woke up at 3:30am because of my stupid dry cough that still lingers since last month (I should go and have a check-up soon)... anyway, like I said, I am having a breakdown. I know there is pain but I'm not sure where the wound is. My heart feels like it's being pounded by a sledge hammer. Every video I watch in my social media accounts makes me cry whether it is a funny video or something dreadful.
You might think I'm getting crazy --- hell no! There are just so many thoughts running in my head right now that I feel I should have done before. Too many regrets in life that I wish I could go back and straighten out. Too many apologies that I shouldn't have apologized for because it never was my fault. Too many mistakes of others that I shouldn't have blamed myself for.
I suddenly feel like a loser. I suddenly feel like I have lost too many opportunities because I was not thinking of myself. And because I was always thinking of others, all those opportunities are now gone to waste (or because "the other" didn't acknowledge it as well).
As this pain makes me truly miserable, it made me realized a few things. Reasons why I did what I did. Reasons why I had to make a decision that had me crawling down like this. Excuses that I tried to defend. Conclusions that has never really materialized at all.
Bakit nga ba inuna ko ang iba kaisa sa sarili ko? Probably because of love. Tanga eh. Oo, isa akong malaking TANGA. Kulang na lang lagyan ko yung sarili ko ng nameplate. Or the word tanga is already written all over my body --- ako na lang ang di nakakaalam.
I am so lost today. I don't know what else to write here. Excuse me as I blow my nose and say goodbye for now. I'm really on the verge of smashing everything I see because I can't understand my feelings.
K. Thanks. Bye.
Jin Mi • Dyeysi | 29Nov2015
No comments:
Post a Comment